So you are thinking to yourself by now Steve must be knee deep in the 3 P’s of life of a new Dad.. Pee, Poop, Puke. You are oh so very wrong! Now I’m not saying I don’t do my part and help, I most certainly am and a diaper is nothing I fear (been doing the night shift here so Kim can sleep).. But there is a systematic difference between keeping a baby clean and fresh, and being the victim of an untimely bodily function.

I know,  I’m new. Wild eyed and punch drunk in my own stupidity and belief that I’m going to be the Golden God of Parenting. See that’s the difference most people miss. While the rest bitch and moan about how tough it is, I’m thinking.. dare I say.. ANTICIPATING.. what will happen next. With that in mind, my vigilance is legendary and my preparation dominating.

The 3 P’s – Pee, Poop, Puke. What do you need to know upfront for a little protection? Let’s break it down.

Pee – Use washcloth over the lady parts / wiener  to reduce any splatter. Really this is common sense people. I have heard all kinds of stories form friends about pee in the face. I don’t get it. If I want a Golden Shower there are places for 50$ I can get one. PS – Don’t change a kid moments after warm water, another common sense thing people don’t seem to grasp. They sell shrouds for boys, so if you have a son ummm LOOK INTO IT.

Poop – Alright this one to me is an even bigger no brainer. First use your surroundings. That old diaper can work as a potential poop spray backstop. If a backstop worked for Roger Clemens for decades, it can be applied here for poop control. Another thing, DONT LOOK DIRECTLY INTO THE ANUS.. This is was dangerous as looking into the Sun and where many people get the brown stink eye of doom. I mean really, what the hell are you thinking getting down on those levels anyways? If you are that close, you deserve to get poo on you. Be quick, be cautious, and have a good solid diaper changing motion that keeps your hands away from being under the babies ass. It’s really a lot easier than you think.

DSC_0003-199x3001Puke – My favorite. Why? My wife was puked on just the other day!! Here’s a pic of the aftermath. Don’t let this be YOU! She could have easily avoided this by using a large burp cloth, or keeping Alyssa very very still when feeding instead of moving around like a rabbit and see what happened 🙂 This puke will go everywhere and smell like formula/boob milk. Do you want that lingering milk starch aroma dancing in your brain? If so, get puked on and comment below about how much you love it. Hell, post up a puke pic of your own if you are so bold.

Some simple puke avoidance tactics are to use burp clothes, bibs, and always keep the baby at a safe distance where she has drank wayyyy too much milk and hasn’t let out a good burp. Cause guess what? Somethings coming up and if it’s not a buuuurrrrppp it’s a bllleeeeecccchhhh all over your shoulder like this pic.

There you have it my friends. Some simple tips to keeping free and clean of bodily fluids as a first time parent. If you are interested in advanced training let me know and I’ll post up my Top Secret regimen for bodily fluid avoidance. It’s a 10 step process but has worked FLAWLESS for me to date!