Okay here is something I see all the time and it only happens with my name, Steve. Generally it’s on message boards because it appears that people with the name Steve generally like to have their actual name instead of a handle or username. Go figure, it is a pretty badass name!

For instance, I’m on a few automotive sites including MustangJUNKIES and Outlawed Offroad as Steve on both sites. When I cannot get my name or a variation of it, I’m generally pissed off. Typically I won’t participate at sites where other Steve’s beat me to the username punch. Makes me a sassy little dickhead? Ok, I can deal with that.

I have no interest in being 4x4maniac or f150lover that’s just not me. It’s like being one of those asbestos lawyers on TV where they claim to be the top mesothelioma law firm in all the lands.. If you’re not with them settling your case you are clearly missing out. When I don’t get my username, I feel like I should be calling an injury lawyer! I’m missing out!!

Hey man, it’s a ‘Steve’ thing

I’ve seen comments about how “there are too many Steve’s here”. Really? Too Many? If you check out the Social Security website from the government you’ll see James, Robert, John, Michael, David, William and Christopher just to NAME A FEW have been in the Top 5 for the past 100 years.

How many times has Steve been in the Top 5? ZERO

So how are there too many of us? Maybe we’re just more noticeable. When I was born in 1973, it was the 160th most popular Male name in the USA. Hardly overused. In 2010-2011 it has now sunk into the 700’s into obscurity! Maybe I can hire one of those injury lawyers claiming society has damaged me beyond repair by demoting my name!

A world without Steve’s? What would happen?

Stephen Hawking

What if there were no more Steve’s on the Planet? What if someone from the brotherhood decided to build a time travel or some kind of funky warp device and send all of my fellow namesakes to another world or dimension? Keep in mind, when we all leave, we take our toys, technologies, and achievements WITH US. We are not here to share anymore, it’s time for us to move on as a name to a new life.

Stephen Hawking could possibly make that happen he is a pretty smart guy. Who is to say he can’t invent something that will take all of Team Steve to a new place in the Universe where we can live free from the absurdity of being told there are just too many of us. A place to call home, Stevetopia!

Steve Jobs

Or what about the ghost of Steve Jobs. He’ll help us on this mission for sure from the other side. Hawking will bring him back to us through a Wormhole and we will then once again be reunited with our unholy gadget master.

I’m sure Jobs would relish the opportunity to take all of his fellow named men on an epic journey in a shiny white or silver case with a big Apple logo on the side. I also bet we’re all getting free iCloud for life! Steve Wozniak won’t be far behind Jobs making sure the i’s are dotted and the t’s crossed.

With technology covered, let there be entertainment!

Okay so now we can travel to a land that is far, far away. What do we do once we get there? We are going to need some legit entertainment to get this party started. Steve Martin and Steve Carrell will lead the charge for that without hesitation but we need an MC to host it all. Steven Wright said he will join us once he can figure out what to add to his powdered water and Steve Irwin is lost in a swamp somewhere making sweet death roll love to a croc. Crikey!

Steve Harvey

Wait, I know just the MC for this epic gathering! Welcome to the party Steve Harvey. Your perfectly manicured hair and glorious mustache will be more than welcomed on our adventure. Glad you made it!

To round out the visual entertainment we have the likes of Steve Buscemi, Steve McQueen, Steve Guttenberg, and Steve Zahn. Steven Spielberg will direct and produce the shows. Not to mention a killer band including Steven Tyler, Steve Lacy, Steve Perry, Steve Jones, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Steve Winwood, Steve Harris, Steve Stevens, Steven Pearcy, Stevie Wonder, Steve Vai, Steven Van Zandt among others. Can you even imagine that line-up in an outer space Casino rocking until the break of dawn? I can, it’s magical!

Security Issues? Not on our watch.

Stone Cold Steve Austin

Now we sound like a bunch of hippie / rock Steve’s who can’t protect ourselves. WRONG. We have an official Head of Security here at Stevetopia and it’s the badass himself. Double beer fisted, middle finger flying, son of a bitch.. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN. When you have a nickname like the Rattlesnake, people listen. We’re going to put him in charge of all Security as well as managing our Athletic Roster, because it’s a LEGENDARY group. He has Steven Seagal watching his back just in case BTW.

Welcome fellow namesakes Steve Yzerman, Steve Nash, Steve McNair, Steve “Mongo” McMichael, Steve Prefontaine, Steve Young, Steve Garvey, Steve Caballero, Steve Sax, Steve Yeager, Steven Jackson, Dr. Death Steve Williams, Lord Steven Regal, Steve Borden aka Sting and countless others. We’re a strong stock and we all know how to kick ass and take names.

Who is going to talk about all these athletes? There can be only one. And his name is Stephen A. Smith.

Odds and Ends of the Stevetopia society

Steve MaddenStyle and fashion by Steve Madden of course. We need to wear clothes on Planet Stevetopia, we’re not animals.

Money? Steven Forbes should be able to help out in a pinch. He’s good like that. I doubt we’ll need his green but his business acumen alone will help propel our new society to greatness.

What about the woman and children? They’re all grandfathered in on this mission. I know from personal experience. Our DNA = good stock. And our breeding pods created by Hawking will allow us to create lifeforms on a whim!

Stevetopia is complete!

It’s not that there are so many, we’re just that amazing. We stand out. Dominate. RULE THE EARTH.

PS – Did I forget a killer Steve that deserves mentioning?? Post your favorites in the comment section below.