Lamaze Pre-Game Warmup
7:45am Sunday morning – The human alarm clock aka my pregnant wife wakes me up. It’s time to get ready. We have the 8 hour baby class today and we have to be there by 9:00am. Luckily we’re only 5 minutes away so it’s a matter of getting ready and choking down some food quick. Lamaze class Sunday overrules football this week. Heck I was still tired from setting up the furniture the day before!
8:45am – Fast forward an hour, we’re out the door and headed to the Lamaze class. I need a cup of coffee from the deli on the way, pick it up. Also pick up a bowl of Raisin Bran and munch it down in the deli parking lot standing by the dumpster. Is this what my life has become so soon? Gulping down a bowl of Raisin Bran in a parking lot with the motor running and Steel Panther songs dancing in my brain? We’ll see. Personally I think it was just 1 hectic day. Time will tell and we’ll all know here on the site with time if Lamaze was a precursor of what my future holds. BOOM. Food down, in the car, driving.
9:01am – Just in time! Boy do they have tight security at the Lamaze class. Double set of doors to be buzzed through individually. Do armed felons come to these Lamaze classes to steal babies or something? Either way we are in class, 2 couples still to arrive. A few minutes later another couple shows up. We all wait another 10 minutes or so and the final couple no-shows the class (that they paid $175 to attend).
A note for the rest of my 35+ dads…
First thing I notice is that I’m probably the oldest guy in the room. I don’t LOOK like the oldest guy in the room which is a great thing, but I can tell by looking at them I probably am. Not a big deal, and having a kid at 38 I’m probably going to be in the older crowd of parents most of the time from this point forward and I’m totally cool and accepting of that. What I didn’t understand though is that if these guys are all in the say 23-30 range, why are they all so damn quiet?
Lamaze class – Where you can hear a pin drop!
We’re all new to this, why is nobody talking? I make a few jokes and start up my usual routine because I can’t be put somewhere for 8 hours and just take notes. I’m a social creature and I have to interact with people whether they like it or not. There isn’t much choice in the matter, I have to. It’s uncontrollable! We go around the room and introduce ourselves, it’s all nice and dandy and we talk about some basics on having a baby.
Lamaze Mid-Day Report
Okay it’s time for the first video. It’s a woman who looks like she worships Lady Di who passed away in the car accident years ago. Same bad short haircut, raccoon makeup, and oversized earrings. She has her baby on her lap and is telling us about the magic of natural childbirth. All is well, video was really dated but overall not the worst thing I’ve ever seen. Did I learn a lot from it? No, not really. It was tragically dated to the point I felt like I could not even relate to it.
We discuss the video, and I make my full commentary on it since nobody else in the room seems to want to speak. I’m really starting to think the average “man” where I live really is a shell of a man and should not be given a title as such. These guys, Jesus Christ they are weak. I don’t know how else to put it. They might have good jobs, make $, and have a nice house and car and all that jazz. But as men, and I’m being purely speculative here… They just seemed like such lame humans. I really expected at least 1 other guy with a Type-A personality here but instead I felt like the only guy in the room. Maybe real men refuse Lamaze class. I did offer to buy a DVD to watch at home instead which never happened. Oh well, what can you do. I’m not going to be making any new friends today. A single tear rolls down my cheek.
11:30 – Lunch break!
Everyone basically does their own thing now. We went home and I watched some of the Broncos game while eating my pre-made sammich we setup the night before. Let the dog out, said hi to the cats. We made some jokes about what went on so far and how quiet everyone was.
Heading back to the Lamaze class I wanted to grab a drink. Got a coconut water and a rose from 7-11. Gave Kim the rose of course. Small things in life, that’s how I roll fellas so take notes and keep up. I promise you not one other guy in that class bought a flower for their wives. Set a new standard.
We all pile back into the classroom and talk a little more about the birthing process. Our teacher Gus (a 60 yo woman) had a sock with a baby in it and asked who will be cutting their babies umbilical cord? Guess who was the ONLY one who raised their hand? Yup, yours truly. I’m down for it all and won’t back down. So she brings up the baby with the cord and asks me “Steve, how do you think this happens?” so I explained to her in complete detail. “Well Gus, you clamp off the two sides to stop any flow and then <snip sound effect made with my mouth like a pro> you cut it in the middle” .. Gus was ecstatic at my enthusiasm and complemented my carpentry know-how. I was right on point and now I know I’m ready. Did I tell her I wanted to gnaw on it with my teeth and scream up to the heavens CORD BLOOD POWER like a maniac? No. I save that for another day!
But wait! There’s More! Video 2 after a short break for your pleasure (or horror)
Video 2 begins. Lamaze class is about to take a dark turn. Who would have thought babies can drop out of the vagina of a woman leaning against a chair so easily? I sure as hell didn’t. The movie looked like it was shot in a third-world country and the second baby in the video dropped out of the mom like NFL QB Aaron Rodgers throwing a brick through a sandwich bag. It came out that violently.. PLOP! I was mortified but in a fun way. Of course I shout out like the jerk who can’t shut-up in the movie theater something like “Ohhh MY!” and the class laughs. I make my sandwich bag analogy to the delight of the room. I ask why it looks like yogurt was splattered on the baby. All of the questions most people are THINKING but the classroom I was with would NEVER of asked. I asked and I asked it ALL!
It’s time for breathing exercises and our Lamaze teacher needs a Male volunteer. Guess what?? Not a single hand goes up from the crowd. And I waited on purpose to give someone else a chance because I didn’t want to be “that guy” who is hogging all the attention and controlling the situation. Turns out they want me to control the room. So I did.
Pant Pant – Blow
You can see how this is going to be fun for me. I’m calling out Pants and Blows like David Lee Roth running a game show. “Come on ladies.. Ooooh your Contraction just hit like a shot in the dark.. Let’s get that initial cleansing breath going and 3 pants…. and a blow!” Yeah, I time it like a freak. That’s what I do. My nature in a room full of people is to tell jokes and entertain so I did what I do best. Everyone had a great time in this exercise and I made Lamaze fun. Your welcome!
Lamaze The Final Countdown
So we’re in the homestretch here of Lamaze class. The final video. Lady Di makes her grand return and now we get to see what her vagina looks like when a baby comes out of it. Certainly more personal knowledge of her than I was expecting with the after video coming first. Funny enough after watching the Broncos game during lunch, they must have been from the area. Her husband was wearing a Denver Broncos sweatshirt! Destiny?
What our Lamaze teacher did not tell us at first was why Lady Di moans like a deer being shot in the woods. It was horrible. She kept moaning and wailing like a dying farm animal. Turns out every woman reacts differently and this was Lady Di’s was of coping with the stress. Personally, I hope Kim just tells me to go fuck myself and it’s all my fault!! That would be a lot less freaky than the dying deer moan.
Lights come on in the Lamaze room, we do a final exercise and out the door we leave with our signed certificates. My Lamaze training is complete!